By Black Jack Pershing
Dateline December 23rd, 2017 St. Louis, Mo.
Merry Christmas 53rd Nation!!! And a very Merry Christmas it is as we get ready to open our presents from POTUS: a yuuuuge tax cut and a new National Security Strategy that confronts reality. Ah yes, let’s enjoy our gifts, sit by the fire, turn on your favorite classic Christmas tunes, watch unemployment drop, the stock market soar, extra bigly winning and read some mean tweets from POTUS. Very very Merry, indeed!
But wait! We cannot let the season pass without getting some last minute stocking stuffers for our friends in the swamp! They are so sad and in need of a little yuletide pickmeup. Here ya go Swamp Dwellers: some stocking stuffers from Black Jack Pershing:
‘Chuck and Nancy’: probably the most practical gift for these two sad cases is a crying towel. All this winning will be making Cryin Chuck and Sad Nancy very very emotional. I recommend this one:
Robert Mueller: Lurch really missed his calling as a character actor in Hollywood. He’s spent lots of time with his lefty swamp buddies trying to find dirt on POTUS to no avail. Certainly he’s be more productive in small roles in films. Some I think he could have handled? Herman Munster, aforementioned Lurch in the Adam’s Family. The tall guy who’s face you never saw in Police Squad, the narrator on Unsolved Mysteries like Robert Stack, any losing contestant on any game show, and any Fed who meets a sad fate in a God Father remake. So Lurch gets an acting class:
Bill and Hill: oh my. Things just get worse and worse for these two. The Democratic Party has woken up like Rip Van Winkle and now says Bill did the dirty for real. Hill just goes on and on and seems like one of the Japanese Hold Outs lost in the island jungles after WW2, that thought the war was still on 25 years later. For Bill & Hill something from Dr Phil: Relationship Rescue!
Jeff Sessions: poor Forest Gump Sessions just don’t know what t’do! Here ya go Jeff: Law for Dummies! Perfectly appropriate!
ABC, CNN, NBC, CBS, MSNBC (Media Industrial Complex): what do you get the Swamp Propagandists? Something they would very much enjoy! Yes! A biography of their patron saint, Joey G, ENJOY!:
John McCain: as we know, he’s not ending his career so well. Maybe he just needs a few reminders. Here’s a copy of the Republican Platform JohnnyM – seems like you’ve disregarded it on occasion of late, out of personal malice. Stop that!:
Lyndsay Graham: he’s exhibited signs of life of late, and has separated from his 3 legged race partner, Senator McCain. BUT – Lyndsay still needs his big boy pants on occasion – this box may not fit in the stocking so we’ll put it under the tree – feel free to use these Huggies during the day too, Senator:
Jeff Flake: easy one! Get a job, big dummy!!:
McCaskill, Pocahontas, Feinstein, Shelby, Leahy, McConnel, Lamar, Bernie, Hatch, Grassley, & many other old goats : I know a great place that will take such good care of you. Time to move on please; Lindsay can lend you some huggies too:
Here’s another good one – we’ll give you a reference!
Al Franken: a free pass to Meadows Rehab with Harvey. Get goin, already, Al! Ya creep!
The State Department: many of you elitist chowder heads have high falutin degrees from ivy league institutions. Among the many dopey things they had you read, one was missing. Here’s a link to General Washington’s farewell address and I’d point you to the part of foreign entanglements. ENJOY!
The Federal Bureaucracy: Hurry and read it! The boss will eventually hold you accountable!
That’s enough stocking stuffers for the year, 53rd Nation. Who’d I miss? Leave a comment!