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Dateline December 7, 2019 Missouri Territory
Hello 53rd Nation. It’s the time of year again! While we deplorables enjoy our early Christmas gifts from our POTUS, we must start considering a few small items to put in the stockings of the lost souls of the Swamp.
Yes yes yes – we Deplorables have our early Christmas gifts: 3.5% unemployment, a record setting stock market, two solid Supreme Court picks, China being properly managed, NATO deadbeats being pummeled, and soon, AG Barr will bring a gigantic canister of Drano to bust open the nasty clog in the DC drainage ditch.
But – what about gifts for the Swampians? Here are our wonderful stocking stuffers for our favorite swampians:
Nancy Pelosi: for #NervousNancy we are sending a delicious bottle of Extra Strength Prevagen, with a side of fish oil to help with her cognition issues. Oh heck, lets throw in a handle bottle of Grey Goose Vodka.
Adam Schiff: it’s really hard to pick out a gift for a sociopath. We know they are incapable of gratitude, so why bother. But, it is the holiday season. So for little Adam we have a airplane pillow to protect and comfort his teeny tiny neck.
Jerry Nadler: for Nad we have a scooter on loan from Walmart to make his trips down those hallways of the capitol much easier. Gotta be tough on our rotund New Yorker.
Sheila Jackson Lee: for big mouth #EmptyBarrell SJL we have a pair of 1970’s extra large tube socks that we hope she will promptly stuff in her very large pie hole.
Gavin Newsome: for Gavvie we have a hazmat suit he can wear while he goes outside the governor’s mansion to pick up poop and needles. You built that Gavvie. Yes you did.
Michael Bloomberg: newly nicknamed Mini-Mike needs a step ladder, some elevator shoes and a sandwich board he can walk around in that says ‘I’m an important big shot’. You’re welcome Mike.
Bill DeBlasio: Big Bird gets a stinky old green army shirt left behind by his hero Fidel Castro. It smells like cigars and BO.
Mitt Romney: for Mitt we have a wedgie. Mitt obviously will not want a wedgie, but we all know he needs one badly.
Brain Stelter: we have for Brian exactly what he wants: a footlong Ultimate Meatball Marinara sub from Subway.
Chairman Xi: for Mr Big Shot of China we have a lovely gift: a second term for POTUS. Worth waiting for we think.
Bill Kristol and George Will: for these two irrelvant Never Trump yappers we have a prize package of pacifiers, pampers, and extra large bassinets. Sad very large infants.
Whistle blower: or as we like to call him, ‘the blower’, for him we have a visit from AG Barr.
Pete Buttegieg: for pious pompous pipsqueak Pete we have a propeller beanie. Won’t it look great on him?
Sleepy Creepy Swampman Dummy Botox China Ukraine Quid Pro Quo Joe Biden: Bite Me Joe gets a double order of Nancy’s Prevagen and Fish Oil, plus some denture adhesive.
Fredo: our hero of Very Fake News fame gets a new hat:
Bette Midler, Rosie, Rob Reiner and Michael Moore: these unhinged leftists obviously suffer from high blood sugar due to poor lifestyle choices. For them we have a good old fashioned eight loss device:
DNC: a generous stocking stuffer: a new vehicle for all of your key players:
Finally for Comey, Brennan, Clapper, Strozk and Page, something helpful:
If you have a stocking stuffer idea for someone we missed, please list them in the comments section. Merry Christmas to all!
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