Category Archives: Humor

“Economic Intercourse” Come On, Man

by Matthews Cooper

Dateline Dayton, OH                                                                May 4, 2020 

Former Vice President Joe Biden is absolutely right, “we need more economic intercourse.” A brilliant insight from our slow footed, confused, Democratic Party leader. Come on man, Joe is right and he  has been in DC for so long, he doesn’t know if he’s in the US Senate, the current VP or the Democratic presidential nominee. His lack of mental agility and confusion is exactly what we need in the White House. Lobbyists, PACs, AOC, George Soros and China will be able to take full advantage of Joe and fulfill our progressive agenda.

Former CIA Director Robert Gates gave this evaluation about Joe Biden,  “Biden has been wrong on nearly every major foreign policy and national security issue over the past four decades.” Clearly this has not scared away informed democratic voters. Quite to the contrary, the average democratic voter is counting on Joe to get everything wrong. My democratic colleagues love dysfunction, chaos and failure. We pride ourselves on being a Doomsday Machine. Look at democratic led states and cities, they’re a mess. Exactly. As democrats we are not offering independence and prosperity, our main offering is dependency. As democrats we offer unemployment, food stamps and low end equality. Attack the rich, remove opportunity and kill prosperity. Joe Biden will deliver killing opportunity and prosperity for all.

Joe Biden hasn’t had an original thought in decades. He has plagiarized Bernie Sanders and AOCs platform, and candidly it is welcomed. The Biden Platform is plagiarized and glorious:

  1. Living Wage for everyone. $15 in 2020 growing up to $20 by 2050.
  2. Green New Deal. Air travel eliminated in 2024. All gas engine cars must be turned into a processing center for disassembling by July 1st 2022 as part of  the Car Elimination Act.
  3. 31 Genders Federally Standardization. Otherwise known as the Baskin Robins gender mandate, equal opportunity laws will now require gender compliance with federal set-asides to fast track more gender confusion.
  4. Open Borders. Everyone is welcome and Americans will pay for illegal aliens  by paying $3K per student for public school.
  5. Social Monitoring & Scoring (SMS). The FCC will be absorbed in the SMS. The SMS will begin monitoring American communications and scoring each citizen on a scale of 1 to 100, 100 being a fully compliant, progressive thinking citizen that can be trusted. Americans will be assigned the following labels: Progressive Hero 90 – 100; Progressive Worker 80 – 89; Progressive But Too Independent 70-79; Watch List 60 – 69; Republican In Name Only 50 – 59;  Deplorable 1 – 49. Each citizen will be required to use GeoTrack software so their movements can be monitored.
  6. Department of Defense will transition to Internal Defense.
  7. Voting Rights. Citizenship will be eliminated as a requirement to vote and each citizen can vote up to ten times.
  8. Reparations. All African Americans will be given one million dollars  in lumpsum payments. It will not be taxed.
  9. Marijuana Fairness Act. Marijuana will be legalized across the country.
  10. 2nd Amendment Revoked. All guns will be turned in to local police stations no later than 1 September 2021. Hunting Rifle Centers will be established so during hunting season, rifles will be permitted in a lottery system for one week permits in duration.
  11. Medicare For All. Appointments will be rationed by local medical boards based on SMS scoring.

It is an exciting time to be a Joe Biden supporter. Our time has arrived!

          The 53rd Regiment presents a guest author, Mr. Matthews Cooper. This is Matthews fourth article written exclusively for the 53rd Regiment. He is an old friend with very different views from the 53rd.  Please share your feedback with Matthews and the 53rd in the comments section. 

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Bernie or Mayor Pete -CommuCrats Future is Now

by Matthews Cooper

Dateline Dayton, OH                                                       February 17, 2020

Let’s not hide it anymore. Bernie is a communist and Mayor Pete is a socialist. They are the new Democratic Party and we should be proud.  A little rebranding is in order. We are now the CommuCrat Party (CP), combining the best of progressive democrats, Lenin communists and statist socialists.  The 2020 Democratic Party Platform should reflect this and our delegates at the Milwaukee Convention should vote on the name change. No more hidden agenda’s and no more hiding who we really are to the American people. We are CP’s and we are CommuCrats and we are proud.

As Bernie says, healthcare is a “human right.” Birth is not a human right because we need less humans to give the Green New Deal a chance. I propose at age seven healthcare becomes a human right if a child makes it that far. At age seven government single payer healthcare is guaranteed. Between birth and age seven, healthcare is dependent on state resources and children aptitude test scores. We should also consider ending healthcare support beyond the age of 75 except for government officials since they deserve preferential treatment. Mayor Bloomberg is right to propose age limits for healthcare. These CommuCrat ideas should be part of our CP platform.

America will become a sanctuary country once Bernie or Pete is elected. Finally, right? No borders, no skills, no immigrant interviews, no papers, no problem. Bernie or Pete absolutely get this. ICE will be disbanded day one of a Bernie presidency. Thank goodness.

Soccer will become America’s game. It will be mandated. The NFL will be outlawed, Curling will be encouraged as a High School sport replacing hockey and NBA teams will become state owned enterprises. Private ownership will be eliminated in all sectors of the economy.

Billionaires will be outlawed. They will transfer their wealth to the Billionaire Wealth Transfer Czar appointed by the President. Bernie or Pete will decide how best to use this money for personal or public benefit. Elites know best how to spend other peoples money and this is a core principle of the new CommuCrat Party.

We areCommuCrats now; louder, prouder and bolder than Biden’s America. While Biden’s Quid Pro Quo with Ukraine and his son benefiting from him being Vice President is admirable, he’s no Bernie. Joe is a CommuCrat lite at best. His time has passed.

The former Democratic Party is now the new CommuCrat Party and we belong to Bernie & Pete. We are proud CommuCrats!

 

The 53rd Regiment presents a guest author, Mr. Matthews Cooper, with an sneak peak at the Democratic Party 2020 platform.  This is Matthews fourth article written exclusively for the 53rd Regiment. He is an old friend with very different views from the 53rd Regiment.  Please share your feedback with Matthews and the 53rd in the comments section. This radical wants to Be Heard. He deserves your unfiltered feedback. 

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Stocking Stuffers for Swamp Dwellers

by Blackjack Pershing

Dateline December 7, 2019       Missouri Territory

Hello 53rd Nation. It’s the time of year again! While we deplorables enjoy our early Christmas gifts from our POTUS, we must start considering a few small items to put in the stockings of the lost souls of the Swamp.

Yes yes yes – we Deplorables have our early Christmas gifts: 3.5% unemployment, a record setting stock market, two solid Supreme Court picks, China being properly managed, NATO deadbeats being pummeled, and soon, AG Barr will bring a gigantic canister of Drano to bust open the nasty clog in the DC drainage ditch.

But – what about gifts for the Swampians? Here are our wonderful stocking stuffers for our favorite swampians:

Nancy Pelosi: for #NervousNancy we are sending a delicious bottle of Extra Strength Prevagen, with a side of fish oil to help with her cognition issues. Oh heck, lets throw in a handle bottle of Grey Goose Vodka.

Adam Schiff: it’s really hard to pick out a gift for a sociopath. We know they are incapable of gratitude, so why bother. But, it is the holiday season. So for little Adam we have a airplane pillow to protect and comfort his teeny tiny neck.

Jerry Nadler: for Nad we have a scooter on loan from Walmart to make his trips down those hallways of the capitol much easier. Gotta be tough on our rotund New Yorker.

Sheila Jackson Lee: for big mouth #EmptyBarrell SJL we have a pair of 1970’s extra large tube socks that we hope she will promptly stuff in her very large pie hole.

Gavin Newsome: for Gavvie we have a hazmat suit he can wear while he goes outside the governor’s mansion to pick up poop and needles. You built that Gavvie. Yes you did.

Michael Bloomberg: newly nicknamed Mini-Mike needs a step ladder, some elevator shoes and a sandwich board he can walk around in that says ‘I’m an important big shot’. You’re welcome Mike.

Bill DeBlasio: Big Bird gets a stinky old green army shirt left behind by his hero Fidel Castro. It smells like cigars and BO.

Mitt Romney: for Mitt we have a wedgie. Mitt obviously will not want a wedgie, but we all know he needs one badly.

Brain Stelter: we have for Brian exactly what he wants: a footlong Ultimate Meatball Marinara sub from Subway.

Chairman Xi: for Mr Big Shot of China we have a lovely gift: a second term for POTUS. Worth waiting for we think.

Bill Kristol and George Will: for these two irrelvant Never Trump yappers we have a prize package of pacifiers, pampers, and extra large bassinets. Sad very large infants.

Whistle blower: or as we like to call him, ‘the blower’, for him we have a visit from AG Barr.

 

Pete Buttegieg: for pious pompous pipsqueak Pete we have a propeller beanie. Won’t it look great on him?

Sleepy Creepy Swampman Dummy Botox China Ukraine Quid Pro Quo Joe Biden: Bite Me Joe gets a double order of Nancy’s Prevagen and Fish Oil, plus some denture adhesive.

Fredo: our hero of Very Fake News fame gets a new hat:

Bette Midler, Rosie, Rob Reiner and Michael Moore: these unhinged leftists obviously suffer from high blood sugar due to poor lifestyle choices. For them we have a good old fashioned eight loss device:

DNC: a generous stocking stuffer: a new vehicle for all of your key players:

Finally for Comey, Brennan, Clapper, Strozk and Page, something helpful:

If you have a stocking stuffer idea for someone we missed, please list them in the comments section. Merry Christmas to all!

 

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Schiff Show

by Matthews Cooper    

Dayton, Ohio                            Dateline November 16th, 2019

We must impeach President Trump, plain and simple. We have no choice if we expect to win the 2020 Presidential Election. As Democrats, Democratic  Socialists and Progressives we must undue the will of Deplorable America. We do not need a crime to impeach Trump. All we need is a false narrative, cooperation from our media friends and our Deep State operatives to perfect the lessons learned from the Russian Collusion Hoax to get it right this time with the Ukrainian Quid Pro Quo. We own the news cycle, we’ve planted key Obama Administration operatives throughout the Intelligence Community and Soros has us well funded.

After Mueller, Congressman Nadler and the Judicial Committee failed us, we are all counting on Congressman Adam Schiff to lead us to the promise land, the formal announcement that President Trump has been impeached. We can smell it, we can see it and we can feel it. Trump baby balloons rising across blue cities in San Francisco, Chicago and LA celebrating a great day in progressive America. The front page of the Washington Post and New York Times with the headline, “Trump Impeached, Leaves White House an Innocent Man.”

Congressman Schiff deserves a medal. When it comes to lying to America without any hint of guilt, he owns the playing field. I am so proud of him as is Nancy, Chuck and our good friends at CNN and MSNBC. Q is no match for Adam, it is Adam who is the Storm. He stares down Deplorables with steely beady bulging eyes and has the mega mind to back it up. When it comes to creating and fabricating new House Rules and turning innocent facts into weapons, Adam Schiff is swinging a 40 ounce bat! The best Nunes & Jordan can do is foul off a couple of his fastballs. I love the way he mistreats that young hissy Congresswoman Stefanik; the Me Too movement doesn’t apply to republican or conservative woman and the media does a great job ignoring his sexist treatment of her.

I am hopeful that we are well on the road to an impeachment party before Christmas. As I wrote about in my March article (https://the53rdregiment.com/2020-democratic-party-platform/) we are  on our way to transforming America into a wasteland of democratic socialism! Give me Bernie, Warren or Mayor Pete! Hell, I’ll even take Biden if I must. Bigger government is the answer to serving the elite Democratic Socialists and taking the power away from the people. Power to us, the Democratic Elites!

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Big Dummy Refresh

by Blackjack Pershing                Lake of the Ozarks, Missouri

Dateline: 11 November 2019

You may be aware that in March of this year The 53rd Regiment published its inaugural Big Dummy Awards, to memorialize the major accomplishments in Horse’s Assery from the previous year.

You can find that article here:

Inaugural Big Dummy Awards

Well, in these fast moving times, it seems that an annual Big Dummy recognition just isn’t enough. They just keep emerging like Zombies in Night of the Living Dead. A long relentless stream of Dummies. Mindless hoards.

So we’ve decided another batch of Big Dummy Awards are merited and must be published. So with no further ado, here are your second batch of 2019 #BigDummies:

LTC Vindman: An Officer and a Marshmallow-Man. Soldiers are soldiers. When they attempt to be anything other than a soldier, the risk getting themselves in unfamiliar and dangerous territory. Soldiers are by nature non-political. When soldiers become political operatives, they are betraying their professionalism. It is very simple. This is one LTC that has lots on his mind, but most of it is not about the fighting effectiveness of our military. He’s become a pawn, a useful idiot for the DNC, and obviously a donut fed hack. Sad. A tragic Big Dummy.

Adam Schiff: has intellect, but his actions betray a lack of strategic thought. His choice of a complicated and elaborate hoax to hang an impeachment on is unworkable. Hanging his career on this kind of sleaze? Stupid. Another Big Dummy.

Nancy Pelosi: previous thinking on her was that she was strategic and crafty and would not allow an unprofessional farce to unfold. She folded. For caving in to the worst element of the DNC in hopes of preserving her power, she is, obviously, a Big Dummy.

Anthony Scaramucci: what a sad mess. The massive indignity of this individual is nauseating. Gets a shot at a key administration role, blows it in the most public way, waits a bit, asks for his job back, doesn’t get it due to proven incompetence and then goes on a disloyal tear, right into the open arms of the #FakeNews. It is grotesque. But as if to throw even more slime on the pile of garbage he is, he embraces Mitt Romney as his chosen savior. He is a pathetic, sad, disgraced, sniveling Big Dummy.

George Conway: So. Your wife lands one of the most powerful assignments in politics/government. She is successful and trusted by the President. What do you do? Repeatedly take to Twitter to bad mouth her boss. By any standard, in any circumstance this pantload is an extreme Big Dummy. Seriously. Who does that?

Michael Moore, Rob Reiner, Joy Bejar & Bette Midler: All of them tubby, mouthy, vulgar bottom feeders of the worst order. Has beens? Yes. Overrated? Certainly. Over fed? Obviously. Bitter hacks? Of course. Big Dummies? Very very Bigly.

The UAW: leadership full of thieves puts the members out on strike for dubious purposes as an obvious distraction from the fact that the FBI keeps arresting key officials. The UAW and other US unions haven’t grown up, haven’t modernized and refuse to help those who need it most. Big Dummies.

ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN, MSNBC Executives: previously we called out jeff Zucker as the most obvious buffoon of this bunch, but now due to the good work of Project Veritas, we know that bias is the least of their issues; criminal negligence and political targeting are now their mission. Evil? Yes. Possibly illegal? Maybe. Big Dummies All? Absolutely.

Rashida Tlaib: Rashie is the 2nd member of the so called Squad to make this list, following the literally no brainer decision to add in AOC on the first outing. While Ilhan Omar is evil, we are not convinced she’s a dummy. And the 3rd member is elusive – Elvis’s grand niece – what ever her name is. But we have enough data on foul mouthed, low brow Rashie. Always yelling, always angry, always with attitude, this slob is an ungrateful bitter, hostile, HANGRY Big Dummy. Case closed.

Robert DeNiro: how do you ruin a respected career in which most of the public respects your work and you have broad appeal? Share your stupidity. Very simple. Big Dummy Bobby has sown America his shallow vulgarity repeatedly since the election of Donald Trump. Note to all other famous people: this is not how you want to go out. Very very sad.

Gillette: an iconic brand decides to go woke in its advertising by lecturing men about their behavior. Attention marketers: you don’t need an MBA; just don’t be a Big Dummy.

Fredo: perhaps the biggest Big Dummy on a network comprised of Big Dummies. Impressive.

Amy Klobucar: Just a loud mouth slob who ate a salad with a comb and is mean to her staff. Low grade Big Dummy.

Elizabeth Warren: communist and a Big Dummy, because she says she is a capitalist, but is most obviously a communist. And a Big Dummy.

Beto: how’d we miss him the first time out? Holy Smokes. Epic Big Dummy. A skate boarding, arm waving, table hopping, dentist visiting, haircut on internet broadcasting, dirt eating, furry outfit wearing Big Dummy of the highest order.

Eric Swalwell: not quite Beto, but almost. Has any Big Dummy ever had such a high opinion of themselves? High confidence bolted to a low IQ and zero self-awareness always delivers an Epic Big Dummy. That’s you Eric.

Michael Avenatti: bwaaaa hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Big Dummy.

Mitt Romney. Where to begin. He’s alternatively an arse kissing fool, a money begging idiot, a blue state liberal, a losing loser, and most recently we find out he is ‘Pierre Delecto’. While all of that is bad enough, the worst tendency this sad excuse for a republican exhibits is courting favor with the Fake News by regularly bad mouthing our President. Big. Dummy.

The NBA, Steve Kerr, LeBron, et al: did we ever think in our lifetime we would see noteworthy Americans openly support Red China as it cracks down on Hong Kong, all the while bad mouthing patriots that point to oppression? It is surreal. Like paid actors, LeBron and Kerr led the way on this, clearly putting their own wealth before liberty and freedom. They are lower than low. We believe they are low more due to lack of education than maliciousness, so therefore, they are now pronounced, Big Dummies.

Well Patriots, that’s allotta Big Dummies and we haven’t even scratched the surface. Look for another Big Dummy update during the Christmas Holidays – always a good time to reflect. Your own Big Dummy additions are welcome in the comments below.
BJP

 

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Inaugural Big Dummy Awards

by Blackjack Pershing 

Dateline March 11th, 2019                  Missouri Territory


“You big Dummy!”        - Fred G Sanford, circa 1975
  

If you follow me, @pershingsoldier, on Twitter, you may be aware that I have little patience for Big Dummies. In these perilous times it seems we’ve had an overrun of Big Dummies and its time to recognize their efforts with the first official Big Dummy Awards, sponsored by The 53rd Regiment. I will try to be succinct, as the situation is truly ‘so many dummies, so little time!’ Here we go:

Jeff Zucker: Perennially weight and follically challenged leader of the Very Fake News outlet CNN recently had a gaseous fit at the SXSW conference; here is a bit of what came out of his mouth: “I think the question should be, is Fox state-run TV or is the White House state-run government by Fox TV?” This is beyond rich coming from the Democrat’s lead propagandist, one who’s network actually leaked debate questions to Hillary Clinton in 2016. The staff at Fox at least admit they are doing commentary, whereas the hacks at CNN present their preposterous selves as ‘news’ people. Jeff gave us a glimpse at how far gone he and his ilk really are. Big Dummy. Congrats.

CNN and Washington Post: These are the first two victims of lawsuits filed by L. Lin Wood on behalf of Nick Sandman, the Covington Catholic student in the incident on the mall during the National Right to Life march. Their aggressive Very Fake News tactics have now resulted in very real defamation lawsuit that may do serious damage to their bottom lines. Their reputations are already in tatters. Both orgs are literally armies of Big Dummies. Congrats.

Claire McCaskill:After two precarious terms where she got away with barely representing her constituents in Missouri, masquerading as a moderate Democrat, the Trump era exposed her. Deplorables in Missouri handed her a clear defeat at the hands of a relative novice Republican. Claire's missteps were really just mistaken glimpses of authentic Claire - the fat cat that lives by one set of standards, while the rest of us can eat cake. Claire enriched herself in DC in classic style and accomplished nothing. Claire used a private airplane bt presented herself as riding a bus. Its all tired and most important its over. Claire took a job as a contributor to MSNBC. Big Dummy. Congrats. 

Jussie Smollett:Too much has been said already. He’s done more damage to his cause than any real hate crime could have. Big Dummy. Congrats. 

Brennan, Comey and Clapper:These three swampians really are a trifecta of stupidity. The three are not only complicit in the so called insurance policy but have been arrogant in their post Obama Administration comments. All three have had roles that require silence for professionalism. All three have violated a sacred trust and at least two of the three have admitted leaking classified information. Two of the three are known for infantile outbursts on Twitter. The third may not know what a smart phone is. This kind of buffoonery speaks to the low standards by which they were hired. All three may be up for charges at some point when the new AG gets into his groove. # Big Dummies; congrats. 

Alexandria Occasio Cortez: This epic enabled brat has had so many dopey verbal outbursts that its hard to keep up. Cow farts are now part of the vernacular thanks to her. Claims that most people have two jobs. Claims that Reagan dived the country with intent. Putting a fresh bow and some air freshener on socialism. Screwing up the Amazon deal in NYC. Hiring her boyfriend. Let’s keep this one short. Huge Big Dummy. Congrats. 

Cher:Just check out her twitter feed. It veers between what shoes to wear and angry outbursts about the president; recently she congratulated Speaker Pelosi for standing up to ‘old white men’, and it’s not lost on any of us that her and the speaker are part of the mall walker generation, albeit nicely stretched and spry. Laura Ingraham’s famous advice to ‘shut up and sing’ applies here. BlackJack actually likes Cher, especially the 1980’s Cher in the ‘Turn Back Time’ video on the battleship. More of that Cher. Less ignorant yapping please. Big Dummy. Congrats.

Bill Kristol:Where to begin. Bill is the poster boy for bitter never trump elitist losers that never got over Jeb being drummed out the 2016 race like the fat kid that gets taken out of a dodge ball game in the opening round, with broken glasses and tears running down his face. They are just holding a grudge. Meanwhile happy warrior POTUS gets done everything two Bushes could not, quickly and BIGLY, while relating to his voters authentically. Like the rich people dragged into a pie fight in a Three Stooges short, they are permanently outraged. Poopy Pants Bill tweets constantly about imagined charges of corruption, fantasy primary challenges to Trump, and just plain cheap shots that fall flat. While Bill may indeed have a high IQ, he is in fact, at this time, in this context, a major league Big Dummy. 

Bill DeBlasio and NYC Residents:Pseudo commie doofus will soon bankrupt NYC for the first time in a generation. He is in a tie with all NYC residents who elected him for complete Big Dummy status. Morons all. After successful terms of Giuliani and Bloomberg who kept the place clean and crime down, they all decide to revert to the 1970’s. Have we seen anything this stupid on such a scale? Maybe. Anyway, congrats Big Apple Big Dummies!

Justin Trudeau:Let’s go international here for a moment and give special mention to JT up in the Great White North. After accomplishing a global costume party on an epic scale, JT is now embroiled in a very dopey scandal involving corporate state tactics, job dismissals, etc. It’s a boring story, like most things Canadian (sorry Canuck readers). But anyway, JT, suit up in your Sikh Turban, fire up the bong, and enjoy being a Big Dummy.

Little Rocket Man aka Kim Jong Un:He’s screwing with the wrong guy. We’ll leave it there. FatBoy will learn soon that he’s a major league Big Dummy if he starts the rocket crap again. #sad


Finally, we announce the Big Dummy Hall of Fame, populated by dummies so notorious, they need to be enshrined right away. Here is the inaugural class of the Big Dummy HoF, and let’s give them all hearty congratulations:

Joe Biden:Uncle Joe is a legend: from his plagiarism in the distant past, to his buffoonery during the Clarence Thomas hearings, to his comment that you had to be from India to work at a 7-11, to his description of Barack Obama as articulate and ‘clean’, to his many moronic gaffs during the Obama presidency, Uncle Joe just takes the cake. Recently he said Mike Pence was a nice guy and immediately took it back when the Stalinist left went nuts. So in addition to being a HoF Big Dummy, he’s also a coward. Very very bigly sad, Uncle Joe. But congrats on being a HoF Big Dummy!

Al Gore: We were all supposed to be ankle deep in ocean water by now according to the self-appointed prophet of the GlobalWarmingClimateChangeCO2We’reAllGoingToDie doomsday cult. Al doubles down on his doomsday forecasts all the while flying around in private jets and creating a personal carbon footprint only outdone by his personal flatulence footprint. Chunky and shrill Al Gore really is just another Big Dummy, but gets HoF status due to the gargantuan size of his Chicken Little boobery. 

Paul Krugman:
‘Economist’ and Witch Doctor for the left, Paulie K spends every day predicting a recession while a republican is president, and every day explaining away lousy economic numbers when a democrat is president. His record of being wrong is well established. This useful and willing idiot for all of the Very Fake News outlets is the perfect icon for what many call ‘the dismal science’, since his whole persona is pretty dismal. Congrats to you Paul, Big Dummy HoF’er. 


That’s the opening round for Big Dummy Awards. We look forward to revisiting this list occasionally for more awards and recognition. There are certainly more Hall of Famers out there as well; your recommendations are welcome. All Hail Big Dummies! Long Live Big Dummies!!!!

PS – for any Big Dummies reading this, most of the ones identified are white and male, so don’t be getting your Big Dummy Racist accusations warmed up!


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Christmas Gifts & Stocking Stuffers for the Swamp & Beyond

by Blackjack Pershing       Dateline: December 14th, 2018

Once again 53rd Nation, it’s time to do our Christmas shopping and line up those absolutely perfect gifts for the denizens of the Swamp, and other liberal enclaves across the land.  Let’s jump right in and help Santa make some selections, despite the fact that they’ve all been naughty:

Nancy Pelosi: Nancy gets a Crumbcake so she can have some of her crumbs back.  We also throw in a free visit to the botox emporium of her choice so she can continue to look good while POTUS administers his regular beat downs to her.

Cryin’ Chuck Schumer: Chuck – this year you get a nice package of adult diapers, which you likely needed as you left that oval office beat down the other day.  2019 will bring you many mean POTUS tweets and head punches.  Better get the diapers on regularly.

Jeff Flake: Jeff, now that you have time, the 53rd Nation is going to buy you a nose job.  Get that thing fixed for the love of humanity.  You will also receive some free career counseling to help you in your new gig as a commentator for the Very Fake News – which you’ve been auditioning for the last 2 years.

Mitt Romney: Mitt will get a football helmet.  It’s only a matter of time before POTUS starts to clobber him for the many dopey statements he will make to enshrine himself in the middle of the road – where you find only dead skunks and armadillos – and Mitt.

John Brennan: a new set of pajamas – the ones with footsies sewed on and the trap door on the back.  When he’s not yelling on MSNBC or erupting with irrational anger in his tweets, he will need to stay in bed and eat his mush.  The jammies will make that more comfy for crazy gampy JohnnyB.

James Comey: clearly a narcissist sociopath – we’ll get Jim his favorite thing: a mirror.

Rosie O’Donnell: Rosie likes carbs, so under her tree we will leave many many many potato products: French fries, tater tots, mashed potatoes, Twice baked potatoes, etc.  Yum yum for Rosie!

Joy Bejar: we gotta do Joy a favor and get her a muzzle.  Sometimes our loyal dogs are unfriendly to strangers and it’s the only way to prevent unfortunate accidents.  Ruff!

Babs Streisand: Babs doesn’t bring us flowers – or talent  – anymore.  Only mean bitter hack tweets about our president.  We’ll get Babs a rocking chair and some knitting needles to keep her busy while she reflects on the old days.

Maxine Waters: what Mad Max needs is a civics course and a new set of wigs  – we got ya Max.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: This young person also needs a civics course.  We like her foolish nonsense though, so instead of civics, we will sign her up for some yoga and wine tasting classes to help keep her in #BigDummy status for as long as possible.

Stephen King: talented writer but Stalinist leftist Stephen King gets a free relocation to Cuba or Venezuela – his choice.  He can take formless Human Blob Michael Moore and insane knucklehead Sean Penn with him.

Bill Kristol: what do you get for the washed up neo-con know it all that seems to tweet angrily at POTUS all day long?  Sad bitter lonely hack Bill needs serious therapy.  For starters we send him Jordan Peterson’s Twelve Rules for Life with the suggestion that he start reading the chapter on Rule 9: Assume the person you’re listening to might know something you don’t.  Try it Uncle Bill. 

John Kasich: chronic bad eater and complainer John gets a bib for starters, to help him when he eats slices of pizza from the wrong end with overly large bites.  We do not expect him to change this disgusting habit so we will provide the means to help keep things tidy.  We will also throw in some wet wipes. 

Claire McCaskill: Claire gets a hearty thank you for clearing the deck for a Trump backed conservative in the 2nd MO senate seat.  Also – her choice of a free all you can eat serving of Ted Drewes Custard, Pappy’s BBQ, Toasted Ravioli, Gooey Butter Cake or other high calorie MO delicacy of her choice.  Nom Nom Nom Claire. 

Don Lemon: Buffoon and CNN mouthpiece Don gets a propeller beanie to wear while he routinely soils himself on national TV.  It will be a good look and definite upgrade.

Jim Acosta: mouthy white house press room toddler gets a time out and no dessert and a lump of coal from 53rd Nation.  May qualify for #Bonehead of the year. 

Dan Rather: irrelevant Dan keeps weighing in on POTUS from the deep dark cellar he dwells in.  We give Dan a box set of old 60 Minutes DVD’s he can watch to revel in the times he was relevant.  Poor Dan.  We’d still #RatherNot 

Stelter, Cooper, Mika, Joe, Tapper, Todd, David Muir, and  all CNN, ABC, NBC, CBS Very Fake News correspondents: The 53rd Nation is upgrading your clown car to a clown VW Bus, 1968 version.  You’ll all be more comfortable in there. 

Have I missed a gift opportunity?  Please share your thoughts in the comments   section.

Merry Christmas!

BJP

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