Dateline: March 22, 2026. Washington, D.C.
By Matthews Cooper
Listen up, patriots (or whatever you MAGA types call yourselves these days). We Democrats are absolutely, positively, one-hundred-percent opposed to the SAVE Act, and we’re not even pretending to hide why anymore. This ridiculous bill—requiring actual proof you’re a living American citizen before you register to vote—would be an absolute disaster for our finely tuned election machine. Come on, man!
First off, think of our most reliable voters: the dearly departed! Those beautiful ghost Democrats have been showing up like clockwork for decades. Grandpa’s been “voting blue” from the great beyond since 1984. Without the SAVE Act, how are we supposed to keep those loyal stiffs in the game? They never miss Election Day—unlike those lazy Republicans who expect to be alive and breathing!
Then there are our hardworking new arrivals. These fine folks didn’t trek across deserts, dodge cartels, and swim rivers just for the free hotel rooms and gift cards. No sir! They came here to vote—and vote often! Multiple times, in multiple precincts if our paid activists can stuff the ballot boxes fast enough. The SAVE Act would ruin their American dream faster than you can say “pathway to citizenship… and the ballot box.”
And let’s not forget our heroic ballot harvesters—the dedicated activists who treat voting like an Olympic sport. One guy, twelve ballots, three states. It’s beautiful. Requiring citizenship papers? That’s basically voter suppression against the people doing the real work!cOh, and the hypocrisy charges? Spare me.
Sure, we make everyone flash photo ID to get into our swanky DNC galas or buy a beer at the convention. We even had one lone Democrat in the House vote for the thing because, apparently, Texas has “strong election laws.” Traitor. But asking the same for the people who pick our leaders? Racist! Jim Crow 2.0!
We once loved voter ID—until it stopped working for us. Now suddenly 21 million Americans (wink) can’t find their birth certificates, and democracy itself is under attack.Look, 83 percent of Americans—including way too many of our own voters—support this nonsense. But we can’t let fair elections get in the way of winning, can we?
The SAVE Act would secure the vote from dead people, foreigners, and professional fraud squads. Where’s the fun in that?Democracy dies in the darkness… of actual verification. We must protect it at all costs, from security. See you at the polls—multiple times. Blue no matter who!
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