Category Archives: Self Improvement

Lent in the Swamp

Dateline The Midwest, February 8, 2018

By Black Jack Pershing

As we approach Ash Wednesday in many Christian traditions we reflect and consider what we can ‘give up’ or make a sacrifice for in recognition of Christ’s 40 days fasting in the desert as told in the new Testament.  With this in mind we recommend some Lenten sacrifice for the denizens of the Swamp; perhaps some sacrifice might send them onto a greater journey of redemption.  Yes – hard to fathom that, but hope reigns eternal!

John McCain:

We suggest the Senator give up his seat in the US Senate.  Yes, this is a major sacrifice for the so called maverick, as he defines himself by this job in this late stage of his life.  Given his serious health concerns we suggest this sacrifice might lead to more enlightenment, time with family, and perhaps even redemption as he also gives up other sins like revenge, retribution, and being a generally awful republican.  One could argue ‘but isn’t the Senate God’s waiting room anyway?’ – but we argue the good Senator has a perfectly good ranch in AZ he can use to watch the sun set.

Little Adam Schiff:

We suggest the proper Lenten sacrifice for this emerging boil on the rump of the House of Representatives would be giving up being in front of TV cameras for several months, which would have the added benefit of allowing him to give up lying – at least in front of TV Cameras – which he seems to do every day.

Crazy Nancy Pelosi:

Nancy actually claims to be a practicing Catholic so maybe she has plans for a Lenten sacrifice.  Like Senator McCain, Nance should consider giving up her congressional seat to someone more in tune with reality.  Time to go Nance!  Nancy may also want to consider giving up calling President Trump ‘President Bush’ constantly, and oh why not – maybe Nance can give up some of her millions to the federal treasury which she is so fond of raiding…..

Robert Mueller:

Lurch 2.0 may want to consider giving up his phony baloney investigation.  Just a thought.

Leakin James Comey:

Former Head of the FBI has already given up his job and his dignity via twitter.  Maybe the next thing to give up is his citizenship before a grand jury is summoned.  Some of us might be ok with him heading to a 3rd world state that doesn’t extradite felons to the US.

NFL ‘Commish’ Roger Goodell

Ok Roj, you made it through a traumatic season for the NFL, in which your personal biases won out against your business instincts, if indeed you have any.  We recommend you give up your job and surrender it to a proper tough guy to lead the NFL; maybe someone like former Steelers coach Bill Cowher, or even Bill Belechick despite our distaste for him – he may be unpleasant and a deflater, but we know he’s a patriot and a NE Patriot.  Rog – if ya can’t go, then we recommend you give up being a big dummy and run the NFL in a way the majority of your fans would like to see it run, with respect for our anthem and flag.

Michael Moore, Rosie, Whoopie, Harvey, and other bloated liberal gas bags: for you we recommend old school Catholic lent: no cookies, cake, bread, desserts of any kind, snacks to include potato chips, doritos, tortilla chips, etc.  We discern your bad attitues and general meanness to be caused by blood sugar spikes related to poor diet and lack of exercise.  So – let’s start with putting down the cake and go from there.

Mitch McConnell: Mitch its time to give up the 60 vote filibuster rule, only put in place in the 1970’s.  Time to rock and roll on @POTUS’ agenda, dude.

Hillary: like Leakin Jim, Hillary may want to start exploring real estate in the third world; but for now we recommend Hillary give up telling the world all of the reasons she lost that have nothing to do with her.

Very Fake Newsmen Acosta, Tapper, Cooper, Schmoe, Mika, Stelter, Stephanopolis et al:

We ask these non-heroic ‘journalists’ to consider giving up inserting biased and opinion into hard news.  We do not expect any of them to comply, but we do ask nonetheless.

Peter Strzok and Lisa Page: we ask that you give yourselves up and in fact turn yourselves in and maybe, just maybe in exchange for complete cooperation you’ll get a plea deal.

Senator Jeff Flake: he should give up making speeches on the floor of the senate when no one is there or when no one cares what he thinks – which is basically all the time.

Rep Frederica ‘Flintstone’ Wilson: obviously Frederica should give up talking and give up the dopey hats – neither of which is likely.

@POTUS: Donald, per the doc’s advice, maybe more walking, a bit of weight lifting, and getting down to one Big mac a day would be good.  That’s it.

Those are all the Lenten thoughts from Black Jack Pershing – please leave a comment with yours!

 

 

 

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New Years Resolutions for Stars in the 53rd’s Universe

St. Louis, Missouri  December 29th, 2017

by Black Jack Pershing

As we begin the year it’s always a good time for personal renewal and reflection.  Let’s offer some thoughts on New Year’s Resolutions for those watched, scorned or celebrated by the community known as the 53rd Regiment.   No one is perfect, anyone can improve, friends and non-friends alike and this advice is free of charge!

Steve Bannon. Clearly the self-appointed king of the alt-republicans has room for improvement.  Steve needs to explore the world of Nutrisystem post haste.  In addition he’s kind of got a combo cave dweller/booze hound complexion.  Some sun is in order, a good night’s sleep and possibly a C-pap machine.  There are likely bowel issues with SB too that may clear up with the Nutrisytem meal plan.  We like Steve B, but Steve B needs to raise his game; he thinks he’s achieved metaphysical perfection.  WRONG.

Ed Gillespie. Ed is a nice guy.  Ed may want to make a resolution to be about 60% meaner should he chose to run again for any office.  Be clear.  Be bold.  Make the choice stark, Ed.  The middle of the road is for dead armadillos, Eddie.

The Mooch. Anthony Scaramucci was the bottle rocket of 2017.  So much to offer, so promising, so colorful – only to blow up spectacularly before our eyes.  The Mooch’s resolution is to shut up and learn self-restraint.  We are not optimistic.  The mooch is that big mouth kid that always ended up getting a wedgie in high school.  Bet he got lots.

Colin Kaepernick. Colin’s resolutions include learning humility, taking a class on logic which may not have been offered at his undergrad institution, and focusing on developing hard skills which could be helpful in future employment outside of the NFL.  The US is short on workers in the skilled trades, such as machinists, electricians, mechanics, welders and air conditioner technicians.  A good start could be an entry level gig as a cable technician.  The cable companies offer good benefits and training which will make his transition easier.

Bill Kristol. Bill, a so called never Trumper, needs resolutions to give him clarity.  I am not a big believer in therapy for those with no diagnosis but Bill could benefit from a regular sit down with a shrink.  He’s clearly bitter and may have issues with self-hate, potty training, shame, and other scary Freudian matters.    Bill may be the best example of a guy who likes his elitist status more thanhe likes conservative principles.  A sad case.

Bill Clinton. Bill’s resolution should be all about getting distance between himself and his accusers who now are believed thanks to Harvey, Matt, Kevin and many others.  Bill’s resolution should be about buying land in places where extradition to the US is unlikely.  Like Snowden, Russia may be an option.  Perhaps an embassy of a 3rd world state like Jullian Assange pulled off.  Is that crazy pedophile island you once visited still available?  Don’t wait too long, Bill.  Rape charges are serious matters.

NFL Owners – the few decent ones. The few decent NFL Owners, (estimating 5-10 max), should set a resolution to sell their franchises by the end of 2018.  Ideally they should sell to annoying morons with no strategic intent like Puffy, Snoop Dog, or other left leaning cohorts with Hollywood backing.  This is the best way to let this sad institution, already circling the drain, to finally implode completely.  Hurry up guys.  The longer you wait the less value you’ll get from an eventual sale.

Jerry Brown. Jerry’s resolution should be to explore the world of anti-psychotic drugs.  New offerings are greatly improved with less side effects.  Governor Moonbeam indeed!

Debbie Wasserman-Shultz. Deb needs many resolutions.  First, smile and be pleasant more.  Her scowl is worse than Hillary’s and that’s saying something.  Next, line up good legal support, and finally, stop cavorting with intelligence assets sent to the US from Pakistan.  These are starter suggestions for one of the biggest train wrecks in the Democrat party and congress.  Also – please shave your head and start over with the hair.

The Bush Family. Resolutions include: move on, get jobs, get lives, realize you’re not entitled to crap, value principles over power.  Grampy may need sex harassment training.  You people are sliding into a shameful place.  Be dignified please.

James Mattis. Resolution is to give POTUS a wonderful plan that eradicates the crazy fat kid, once ISIS is disposed of.

Aunty Maxine (Waters). Maxine’s resolution is to investigate treatments for senility.  We like Aunty Maxine and enjoy her nutjobbiness.  We just worry that she really is nuts.

Nancy Pelosi. See Aunty Maxine

Rex Tillerson. Rex’s resolution is all about having patience with his boss.  Count to ten Rex.  Take a time out.  You know he’s going to piss you off but he needs you and he means well.  You know it.  Go home and have a Lone Star and a big belch Rex – you’ll feel better.

Hillary. Crooked H needs a resolution related to finding a life.  In the 70’s people went to California to find themselves.  Hillary should consider this.  Certainly Jerry Brown could offer her a place to crash and also share his stash of good pot.  Go west Bitter Crooked Hillary, Go West. Go away.  Hillary would make an excellent prison guard if such an opening should come available after her doobage retreat with Jerry.

 Roofman. Roofman, perhaps the most infamous and mysterious mascot in minor league baseball, spiritual guru of the Dayton Dragons, has one resolution and one only: visit and mix it up with your fans, especially the high end fans in the suites at Fifth Third Field!  Photo ops please and no groping!

Shep Smith. Shep has become a mouthy little pain in the backside.   His resolution is to just report the news and otherwise stick a cork in it.  Shut up Shep – just the facts.  If not, the world of Fake News is waiting for you at Fox’s competitors.

Crazy Bernie. Not as many sad millennials are feelin’ the Bern of late.  His relevance is inverse to ‘winning so much we are tired of winning’.  So Bernie’s resolution is to finally get mad enough at Hillary, Debbie, and the entire Democrat apparatus that he seeks justice.  Imagine the satisfaction of insisting on justice and honor, Bernie!  Even better than those dirty books you used to write.  The commie stuff won’t work in an era of winning, so go and get even with that evil lady who did you dirty!  Do it!

Rosie. Rosie is in the Nutrisystem crowd.  Her resolution is to have Marie Osmond as a mentor and lose roughly 115 lbs.  This should help her mental outlook and result in a more positive Rosie less likely to send out homicidal tweets.  Rosie’s issues with guilt, shame, rage, bitterness and body odor are likely to improve on a low sugar diet.

Jeff Sessions. Gomer’s resolution is to start doing his J.  O.  B.

Chris Christie. Mr Beach Chair is also in the Nutrisystem club.  Like Rosie and Steve B, Chris has put himself at risk for early onset diabetes, hypertension, bad knees and ankles, high cholesterol, heart failure, hardening of the arteries, hemorrhoids and many many other undesirable conditions.  Chris’ resolution is to lose 125 lbs.  He should seek assistance from Mike Huckabee who has attempted same 3 or 4 times.  As for next assignments, Chris should explore the world of bus driving.  He’d be great.

James Comey. Newly christened Leakin’ James Comey’s resolution is to come clean and avoid prosecution.  He should seek a deal with current AG, tell the truth on all matters Hillary and ‘collusion’, allow us all to move on, and then disappear.  I am more optimistic on the Nutrisystem Team than I am on this one.

ABC, CBS, CNN, NBC, MSNBC et al. The not so main stream media’s resolution is to keep doing what they have been doing but even more of it.  We speak for many when we assert that the fake news needs to keep circling the drain – only faster.  Keep being parodies of yourselves.  Hurry hurry.

Donald J. Trump. DJT also could benefit from a diet.  Less McDonalds, chocolate cake, double scoops of ice cream, etc.  He’s certainly not in the Nutrisystem Club though.  Beyond that, he needs to get a few more great things done in 18 such as the wall, Obamacare put out of misery, corner the crazy fat kid, finish off ISIS, and the infrastructure deal.  We do not believe POTUS needs a resolution as he is already very goal oriented.  Keeping good people around and limiting the side shows as has been happening is a good thing.  And we need the tweets – we need them bigly.

 

The 53rd Regiment. Resolution is the keep building the base, inform and entertain.  So far so good – time to double down!

Did I miss a resolution?  Please share your thoughts in the comments!

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